Most of us will experience grief at some point in our lives after the death of a loved one. Grief can bring deep sadness and a yearning to be with that person again. It can also affect your body, your sleep, your appetite, and your ability to focus.
Unfortunately, Western society isn't very good at dealing with grief. We tend to want a quick fix. But grief doesn't work in this way; there are no timetables or set rules to follow.
If you are dealing with the death of a loved one, grief can be a very lonely and isolating experience. It is important to think about what you need to help yourself during this time.
People who are grieving need to be able to:
- Tell their story
- Seek support from family, friends, or community groups
- Look after their physical and mental health because grief is a major stress
- Give themselves permission to grieve
- Find ways to regain a sense of control in their lives
- Adapt to life without their loved one
When grief is new, you may feel like you are on "automatic pilot." The days may blur together. Planning a funeral or memorial service, handling paperwork, and making decisions can feel overwhelming. These reactions are common. Over time, they usually become less intense.
Common reactions to early grief may include:
- Crying easily or feeling numb
- Trouble sleeping or eating
- Feeling tired, anxious, restless, or overwhelmed
- Difficulty focusing, reading, or making decisions
- Anger, guilt, disbelief, relief, or deep sadness
- Strong longing for the person who died
- Replaying the last days, weeks, or months in your mind
Many people find it helpful to think of grief as coming in waves. Some days may feel more manageable. On other days, a song, a smell, a season, a birthday, a holiday, or an anniversary can bring a stronger wave of grief. This does not mean you are getting worse. It is a normal part of grieving.
If you are worried about your safety or having thoughts of harming yourself, call 911 or 988 right away.
About Our Bereavement Program
The Bereavement Program at Dana-Farber, in partnership with Brigham and Women's Hospital, provides support to family members and friends after the death of a loved one in our care. The program falls under the Department of Supportive Oncology, and our care team is available to provide bereavement support in a variety of forms, including:
- Information about grief and what to expect
- Seminars about dealing with grief
- Support groups
- Individual visits to review coping and discuss available options
Since grief is unique, no two individuals will grieve in the same way. Still, understanding what you are experiencing is an important first step. That's why we've created different bereavement guides based on your relationship with the person who has died. These guides can help you understand grief in the first weeks and months, care for yourself, and manage practical tasks after a loss.
Grief Support, Guidance, and Resources
Coping with the Loss of an Adult
This guide explains what grief may feel like in the first few weeks and months after losing an adult family member or friend. It also offers practical advice about caring for yourself and handling your loved one's personal affairs.
When Grief Is New: A guide for families and friends (PDF)
Cuando el duelo es reciente (Spanish PDF)
Coping with the Loss of a Young Adult
This guide was written especially for bereaved parents and partners or spouses of our young adult patients. It offers practical suggestions for coping with grief, handling their affairs, and finding support.
When A Young Adult Dies: A guide for parents and partners (PDF)
Coping with the Loss of a Child
In collaboration with Boston Children's Hospital, we provide support and guidance to bereaved parents and other family members.
Learn about bereavement support following the death of a pediatric patient.
Ways to Care for Yourself While Grieving
Grief affects both emotional and physical health. Taking care of yourself can give you more strength to cope. You may find it helpful to:
- Keep a simple daily routine; try to wake up, eat, and go to bed around the same time each day
- Plan one small task or activity each day
- Drink water, eat regular meals, and move your body when you can
- Spend some time outdoors, if possible
- Limit alcohol and avoid using substances to cope
- Keep up with medical and dental appointments, including ones you may have put off
- Stay connected to people who are good listeners
- Ask for counseling or extra support if you feel overwhelmed or alone
Some people also find it helpful to set aside regular "grief time." This can be a few quiet minutes each day to think about your loved one, write in a journal, listen to music, look at photos, or write them a letter.
Important Decisions and Significant Dates
When grief is new, it can be hard to think clearly. If possible, try not to make major decisions right away, especially ones that cannot be undone, such as moving or selling a home. Take your time, ask for help, and write down the pros and cons if you need to make an important decision.
Birthdays, holidays, and the first anniversary of the death can be especially hard. It may help to make a plan ahead of time. Think about how you want to mark the day, who you want to be with, and what support you may need. It is okay to change old traditions, lower expectations, or create new ones. It is also okay to have moments of comfort or joy.
Many people find comfort in staying connected to the person who died. You might make a memory book, save photos or voicemails, share stories with family and friends, or carry forward a value or tradition that mattered to them.
How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving
If someone you care about is grieving, simple actions can help:
- Listen more than you talk
- Let them tell their story, even if you have heard it before
- Use the name of the person who died
- Accept their feelings without trying to fix them
- Remember important dates such as birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries
- Offer specific help, such as meals, rides, childcare, paperwork, or accompanying them to appointments
- Keep checking in after the first few weeks and months
- Encourage professional support if they seem overwhelmed or are struggling to cope
Online Resources
There are many bereavement resources available online. You may find the following websites helpful.
Cancer Support Community Massachusetts
Cancer Support Community Massachusetts' mission is to uplift and strengthen people impacted by cancer by providing support, fostering compassionate communities, and breaking down barriers to care. CSC offer bereavement support groups, free of charge.
Hospice & Palliative Care Federation of Massachusetts
Its mission is to advance and promote excellence in end-of-life care. They provide information about local hospices who can be contacted regarding bereavement support.
The Children's Room
The Children's Room helps grieving children, teens, and families to go on living fully. Serving families throughout Massachusetts, they educate teachers, counselors, youth workers, and other professionals about how children and teens grieve.
The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families
The Dougy Center provides support in a safe place where children, teens, young adults, and their families grieving a death can share their experiences.
Jeff's Place
Jeff's Place offers hope and healing in a supportive community for grieving children, teens, young adults, families, and individuals.
Bereavement Groups
Even though grief is a solitary experience, you do not have to go through it without support. Many people find it helpful to talk with others who have had a similar loss. A bereavement group can help you share your story, learn from others, and feel less alone. Consider joining a bereavement support group at Dana-Farber where you'll meet other bereaved family members.
For more information about our virtual bereavement groups that take place over Zoom, please get in touch with the Bereavement Program by calling 617-632-2490 or emailing bereavement_program@dfci.harvard.edu.